October 19, 2015
"We believed that anything that was worth doing was worth overdoing." - Steven Tyler
If the fine inhabitants of The United States of America are good at one thing, it’s justifying arguably far-fetched reasons to party. Niece’s birthday? Everyone’s birthday. Halloween? My wife is making us all Mighty Morphin’ Power Ranger outfits - even though we’re in our 30s - and we are going crime fighting/pumpkin smashing/candy stealing. St. Patty’s? Is that even a REAL holiday? I’m pretty sure we made that one up. Cinco De Mayo? Same thing. The American people actually invent stuff in honor of other cultures to justify a good time. That doesn’t mean you need to be that social media hero who cuts down my glorious ignorance, and the resulting validation of a reason to have a barbecue with my pals, with “the facts.” What’s wrong with it? Nothing, that’s what.
Now it’s October. Add a couple letters to that and what do you get? That’s right, Octopustober. A whole month of honoring chewy sea creatures. Did you know that Octopus in Japanese is “tako?” They should have a “Tako Bell” chain over there. Then again, I’m not sure it would be as much of a hit as our drive-thru joint by a similar name that sounds so great at 3 A.M. By the way, has anyone ever had any success WALKING through one of those? I always get denied and have to steal a car. Annoying.
In preparation for this blog I did a bunch of research. That didn’t work. Too many satire sites exist nowadays. I actually spent a good 20 minutes with this article going “What? Seriously.” Nope, not seriously. One internet rabbit hole into which I spelunked ultimately landed me here. I laughed at this calendar like a total dingus for about eight minutes.
History, albeit a short one, would lead me to believe that this month long pseudo-holiday is dedicated to mullet-headed, Pabst-slamming, leather-clad 80s crazies. Who’s in charge around here, though? YOU ARE, that’s who. Slowly but surely, I came to the conclusive realization during my fruitless, ADHD fueled perusing of the information superhighway that you just have to make ROCKTOBER!!!!!!!!! into exactly what you want it to be. And forget about America - you can do this anywhere in the world! As long as the words “rock” and “october” are kind of similar in your language. In Albanian, you’re looking at “shkemb tetor.” Not quite the same ring.
Here are five suggestion on how you can celebrate ROCKTOBERRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!@!@!!1111*...
1. Dress like an 80s David Lee Roth and go see The Martian
This sounds much more difficult than it really is. You can pretty much just cover yourself with any kind of adhesive, go to The Ultimate Warrior’s annual end-of-summer garage sale and roll around in stuff (RIP James Brian Hellwig). As far as accessories go, bandanas and Fisher Price toys are your best bet. After that, $6 for a matinee ticket and a two and a half hours of your time and you’re done!
2. Listen to Los Santos Rock Radio during the commute to your heist.
It’s getting cold outside and the workweek can be hectic. You told your in-laws you’ll take the kids to the pumpkin patch this Sunday. Get real, there’s a GTA V update and online heists are in full force...and believe me, they are FUN. So fire up your console, find three friends online and start wrecking shop. Just don’t forget, during those long commutes in your armored Karuma, that Kenny Loggins - who actually provides the voice of himself as the in-game radio DJ - has your back, spinning all the classics from Def Leppard to Pat Benatar to Queen to...well...Kenny Loggins.
3. Take your kids to the pumpkin patch on Sunday.
The video game idea, while fantastic, was sunk from jump street. You promised. Honestly, do this first, THEN go home and wind down with some virtual bank robbing and car stealing. It’s cool, DAVE GROHL DOES IT. And Usher and his demon children. And the chick from One Direction.
4. Help your neighbor close down his inground pool for the season by driving a Cadillac into it.
Mike isn’t exactly stoked about this daunting task and, since he does mow that extra patch of grass that’s technically yours every week, why not lend a hand? Crappy factoid - according to “Dear Boy - The Life Of Keith Moon” by Tony Fletcher, which is rumored to be the most in-depth and accurate biographical account of the famed drummer of The Who, this whole thing never actually happened. They don’t call me Mo The Dreamcrusher for nothing.
5. Learn to play the guitar.
There I am with my jamstik in my actual apartment keeping my chops up. The iPad is connected wirelessly, that huge flowery cup contains probably my eleventh helping of green tea for the day, and I swear my curtains and couch aren’t as pink as the lighting may suggest. This isn’t a bogus sales pitch, but it is one serious suggestion. You can learn to play the guitar on the go without the aid of a huge amplifier or a bulky, expensive instrument. The truth is - I’ve played for about 15 years, but my music theory is lacking. This is the easiest way for me to learn scales.
Oh, and there's a cool 10% discount on anything in the store for those of you that read this far. Just use the code "ROCKTOBER" at checkout.
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